


But Mostly Love

by ChromeEdwardian



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Aggressive Hawke, Chantry Explosion Aftermath, F/M, Introspection, One Shot, Red Hawke, first person POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-23 13:00:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11402916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChromeEdwardian/pseuds/ChromeEdwardian
Summary: The Kirkwall Chantry has been destroyed. Hawke has to decide what this means for her and Anders.





	But Mostly Love

It hurts to breathe. The air is thick with ash and debris, and it cuts the insides of my nose when I inhale. My muscles are sore from this last skirmish, and templar bodies lay dead around me. Because I killed them. The elf, Orsino, has ran off to the Gallows to join his charges. Maker, I hope he gets there in time. I don't even know what the Rite of Annulment is, but Meredith's rasping poisonous voice gives me a general idea. "If you can't give me another option, do not brand me a tyrant!" she said. Like we haven't been giving her options this whole time. It was pointless to try and argue with her, but I still should have. My hands are shaking just thinking about it. My stomach burns with adrenaline. When I get my hands around her turkey neck, I swear...

Fenris is gone. I liked him a lot. But I suppose some things can't be reconciled. 

I take another painful breath, and approach Anders, my darling boy. His face rests on his fists, blood dripping down from his palms where his nails dig into the skin. 

"Hey," I say softly. I'm trying to think of what to say, I'm afraid I'll start crying. After seven years, I might actually start crying. I would be so disappointed in myself. 

Anders doesn't reply. I manage to scoot him over and sit down next to him. I reach out for his wrist and pull it away from his face. "Hey." I open his fist and consider the open wounds.

When he speaks, it's quiet and shaking. "There's nothing you can say that I haven't already told myself." The despair in his eyes is gut-wrenching. 

He wants me to set him free. 

I can feel our friends' eyes on us, and I'm furiously aware of what's going through their minds. "I wish you had told me."

"I couldn't. I couldn't let you help me."

"Why?" I can feel my voice rising, and I have to push it down. "Have I ever given you the impression that this wasn't something I wanted to do? All those nights spent holding you...not knowing what was wrong, how to help... Anders, I don't want to blame you, but you and Justice didn't need to shoulder this alone." 

"I couldn't take that chance. All of Thedas needs to see that the Circles are an injustice. And if that means paying with my life, then so be it." His eyes lift up to the knife at my waist, and my stomach drops. What is it like, to be at peace with his martyrdom? Maybe he has always been at peace. I can see on his face the two sides of him warring. Justice demands they die for the cause if need be, Anders holds out hope that he might be allowed to live. 

"Anders." I squeeze his hand in mine, and he winces. "Don't you _ever_ ask that of me again. Got it? We're going to finish what we started."

"You mean..."

"I love you, is what I mean. This--" and here my voice falters, "changes nothing." Except for that I'm terrified. For him, for myself, for Kirkwall and our friends who didn't ask to be involved with this, and for the mages who will be blamed because no one believed in them from the beginning. Love or compassion could have nipped this all in the bud, so love is what will have to put an end to this. And rage. And justice. But mostly love. 

"Get up," I tell him. "We've got to go back to the Gallows." 

Isabela was right. Bringing an idea into a world as messy as ours was a misguided action. Anders had told me once about how Justice came into this world. It wasn't as though Anders went looking for a Fade spirit to meld with. Somehow Justice was stuck here. I'll admit, I don't know what else could have been done. I'm not a mage like he or his old Warden Commander are, and I don't claim to know everything. I wish I could have known Anders before Justice, even though Anders says he thinks I wouldn't have liked him. I think I would have. He's actually very charming when he gets his mind off things. He gets my own mind off things. 

I pull Anders up and bring him back to our friends. He doesn't look any of them in the eye. Only Merrill looks ready to accept him back into the fold, even with how badly he's treated her. I try to assure them that everything is going to work out. If our friendship hadn't been tested before.... We head back down to the docks. 

I like to think Father would be proud of me. And Bethy. They were behind this from the very beginning. 

I miss them the most in times like these.


End file.
